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On our second meeting, Dr. Dragonfly explained a little bit more of what EMRD is. It’s all connected to the fight, flight or freeze modes that all animals have. Only humans are able to control them. People with chronic pain tend to stay in the freeze mode (high alert) and are never able to “shake it off.”

We started with a safe place, the safest place where I felt the most comfortable and protected in the world. I chose the Plaza Real in Barcelona. Then she put little vibrating things in my hand and told me to watch the lights going back and forth on the machine. Dr. Dragonfly started asking me about different things in the Plaza Real. What it was like; What I was doing; What other people were doing; smells, sounds everything. Every once in a while, she’s stop me and ask me how my body felt, not my mind or emotional state, but what my body was doing.

We left Barcelona and went to the “container.” Dr. Dragonfly asked me what kind of container I would use if I could dump all of my bad memories in it. I chose one of those huge WasteManagement type containers with the plastic lid. (Yes, I had to specify.) She asked me to put two or three “bad” memories in the container, not the really horrible stuff, but just some bad memories. Again, she would stop and ask questions during the process. If I was getting a little stressed, she would tell me to close the container and go back to the Plaza Real.

While inpatient at the clinic I go to for my headaches, I was given a psyche evaluation that make me sound like some sort of invalid who was doomed to suicide or something. They knew I was coming to Phoenix and wanted me to see someone here too. They gave me a list. Of course, I can’t drive and public transportation here is a bit spotty if you’re not in the center city, so I wanted someone close. I also wanted someone who dealt with PTSD, major depression and chronic pain. I will admit what I was completely apprehensive about going in the first place but I knew I had to. I took the horrible report with me.

We met. She seemed like a very, very nice lady. We talked about different psycho-therapeutic approaches and decided that what would best fit me would be the psychodynamic approach. I told her about the report and I had a fundamental distrust of all psychologists because of how they are in my particular headache inpatient program. We talked about different things for the rest of the hour, she basically let me tell stories, and at the end, she suggested EMRD and Somatic therapy. I told her that I was open to anything except being hypnotized.

She asked if I though we could work together. I told her that she didn’t make me passive aggressive, so I’d give it a shot. Same time next week.

I suffer from chronic pain. I have chronic, intractable cluster headaches, chronic migraines, chronic daily headaches and narcolepsy, just to top it all off. On the 1st of July, I moved from Chicago to Phoenix to see if the climate here was nicer to my headaches that it was in Chicago. It is. Unfortunately, climate is not my only trigger. These headaches are so bad that they’ve taken most everything away from me.

I was a teacher for 22 years until I finally got to the point where I couldn’t put a coherent sentence together. I was in and out of the hospital at that point every three or four months. It got to a point eventually where I knew I had to stop. My doctor and the school district forced me onto disability. That was a massive change in my life and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I can no longer drive because of visual disturbances. When in Chicago, I have to walk with a cane because I have no balance. I think it’s related to the weather because I don’t have to use the cane here in Phoenix, although I am off balance sometimes.

The clusters have severely impacted my life as they are incredibly painful and they also come on a schedule. The come at more or less the same time every day. In Chicago, I don’t function at all. I’m on the couch with the cat laying on top of me playing videogames. Here, however, clusters and the migraines both act differently. They have a beginning and an end. They’re still beyond painful, but eventually, they fall back down into my comfort zone.

Since this is just an experiment over a year to see if the climate actually does help, my husband has stayed behind in Chicago. We FaceTime or text every day, many times a day. He comes to visit at least once a month, but it’s not the same. Down here, it’s just me and the cat. Around the last week of July I noticed that my emotional states were starting to get out of my control. I’m here, basically alone, with my cat. I have a friend here, but he’s been here for three years and has his own life. If I already felt my emotions destabilizing, it was time to see someone.

UPDATE:

Two months ago, after being hospitalized in Chicago once again, it was decided that my nephew would come down to help me out. I have gotten to the point where it is dangerous for me to live on my own.

I love living with him. He’s like my own child, since I am basically his mother. He is empathetic and knows what I need almost instinctively. If I can’t do something he’ll tell me to go sit down and he’ll do it himself without complaining. He’ll even draw, give me shots and put bandaids on/clean blood. Brian won’t touch that with a 10 foot pole.

The decision had also been made to move here. It was very hard on me bc it was my fault that I was taking my husband away from his family, friends and a job that he really liked, for the most part. That’s something I had to get over and I have for the most part. My family doesn’t figure into this.

We’ve been sharing a studio, 550 sq ft. Three adult males and two cats have lived in this studio since the beginning of May. I have a full bed and Trino sleeps on a futon/sofa. It’s driving me crazy at this point. Luckily we’ve bought a gorgeous house and are just waiting on the closing date to get out of this little cardboard box. We won’t have much furniture until our house in Chicago sells, but I’ll be happy to be able to go outside or into another room while Brian watches Silicon Valley. This place is too small and there’s no escape. Beyond or despite the continual headaches, things are looking up. I certainly am better off here than I ever was in Chicago. I’ll always love Chicago though.