Aggression

I had my weekly meeting with Dr. Dragonfly yesterday. We talked about Bluestone and how hard it was to write and how it felt to write it. I’m not going to go into all of the details. We also talked about my mother. I think I commented earlier that she had really pissed me off twice a few days ago. Rather than politely disagreeing with a statement, she chose to call it (and me) flat out wrong. That didn’t make me very happy at all. What’s worse, is about 15 minutes later, she initiated an IM session with me and didn’t even bring the whole thing up. We did the usual chit chat and all of a sudden, Damien needed something and she had to go. I am the least important as always.

I can’t continue to seek this relationship. It’s a relationship she’s not capable of feeling or giving, I suppose. I always used to think that parents’ love was unconditional, but I learned at a very young age that with my father that wasn’t true and much later that it wasn’t true with my mother either. I’m still quite sure she still prays that someday I’ll find my way back to ‘god,’ believe again and become straight. It doesn’t work that way. I wasn’t what she ultimately wanted me to be. I’m not even sure what she wanted me to be. After Spain, she never really engaged in my life anymore. She always hid it under the guise of ‘I didn’t want to interrupt you,’ but it was really, ‘I don’t really want to know.’

I have no further reason to return to Ohio.

But now, I sit here on an overcast Tuesday morning with a shitload of pent-up aggression and energy and I have no idea what to do with it. It either has to come out or the narcolepsy has to kick in, one of the two. I’m wound up and will blow at any second unless I can find a way to get rid of this. Maybe I just need more sleep. I don’t know anymore.

I’m tired.