Yesterday, Dr. Dragonfly and I never actually got to the EMDR. I needed to talk about the headaches and especially this new type, the psychogenic seizure thing. I’m starting to lose strength. I have 4 or 5 headache diagnosis now, plus the 3 psychological things, the seizures and narcolepsy to top it all off. Isn’t that enough? I honestly don’t know how much more I can deal with. I’m tired of being strong and my strength is wavering quite a bit. My friends here aren’t a lot of help. They have their own lives and the cats aren’t great conversationalists. Talking with Brian over FT is nice, but I need a human with me. I need someone who is actually here to talk to. I know Major is only a phone call away, but he’s another ‘As long as Mike’s Ok, everything’s Ok.’ I need someone like Francis who will actually listen to me, understand what I’m saying and help me along. I really would ask my mother to come out for a few days, but I know that’s not going to happen. She didn’t come the last time I needed her, when I went crazy that time in rehab. I really needed someone in the house with me for a couple of weeks, but she couldn’t be bothered because of dad, or David or the kids. Dr. Dragonfly keeps asking me why I defend her and I have no answer. I’m enraged by my father. I’m angry at my mother, well, maybe more disappointed than angry and I’m furious with the entire situation. It makes me irate that they can’t seem to get it into their heads that I’m not staying out here in Phoenix because I want to. I’m staying out here because I have to. Both Dr. Urban and Brian would kill me if I stepped foot in the Midwest at this point. Two days would be enough to set me on my eventual path to rehab within a month. I just don’t know how to make mom understand. I don’t really give a fuck what dad thinks about it.
The bottom line is that the seizures are in part linked to the PTSD and major depression. They’re also linked to the narcolepsy. On top of that, they’re manifestations of the pain that I’m constantly being bombarded with because of the clusters and migraines. They’re painful and really hard to get rid of. I’ll be back in rehab in April or May. I’ll just make him put me back in in April when I see him. I’ll start paving the way in March or so.
At this point, I’m not really sure what’s keeping me going. I have the board and the blogs that I do, but beyond that, there’s not much.
cazandoconejos 