Suicide Headaches

Before I even get started, let me say that I AM NOT suicidal. I do not have a plan, nor would I inflict such horror on my family, let alone myself.

I really don’t know how to put this other than I’m pissed off. I hate the face that Dr. Urban was right. The fucking headaches have followed me here. They’ve set up shop and at least one of the really fucks me over daily. I’m tired of being a pin cushion. I have better things to do than give myself shots of painkillers every day. I’d love it if I had painkillers that actually worked. I just shot Norflex on top of Soma and as long as I’m still, I’m OK. Clusters don’t want to fucking be still! I’m going to have to take Thorazine on top of it just to try to kill the rest of it.

I have to admit, I am better off here than I was in Chicago. Generally, I’m happy here. I love the weather, when I can get out and enjoy it. I hate the Midwest. I know it wasn’t in Brian’s plans to pick up and move 4 billion miles away from his family and a job he likes. I really do have the best husband on the face of the planet. I still feel really badly that we have to make the move just because I have a headache. Yes, I realize it’s not just a headache. I have at least 3 different kinds that make me absolutely miserable. We’ll make it work. That won’t be a problem.

I’m just tired of this every fucking day. Every day is the same thing. I have a good morning and then wait to see what the afternoon is going to do. I’m afraid of the 13:30 and the 15:30 especially. It sucks knowing that your day will end at a specific time depending on how your head is going to react. I’m just tired of it. I want to be able to do more things again. I do a lot more things here than I was able to do in Chicago, but I have no semblance of a normal life. My life consists of walking to Target every other day to get drugs. That’s pretty fucked up for a 46 yo. I’d like to be able to express myself again without brain fog getting in the way. Perhaps I could remember a date or two without having to put them on the calendar? Is that really too much to ask?

Is is too much to ask for these fucking pharma companies to get their heads out of their asses and develop some real drugs to help us? Mine are at their limits and barely contain my headaches. It really just sucks. I’m really two steps away from going back onto opiates. At least I didn’t care that I had a headache. This just sucks, but it’s only a headache.