A Paradox

I leave the session today more confused than anything. I was presented with a paradox, a ripple in time. Dr. Dragonfly asked me how I saw things at this point. I told her that I saw them as sort of a triangle. I was at the top of the triangle looking down each leg. I could see different events spiraling down each leg (meaning the the ‘alternative family life’ that I had created has been accepted by my psyche). I also told her that I could see where the two legs intersected like little traffic circles. Sometimes traffic was smooth, but sometimes it was chaotic. The biggest piece that she wanted me to see, I still couldn’t. I still can’t see the base that connects the two sides.

Today, we again worked with the Construct. She asked me at what age I wanted to start and I said crawling. (6-9 months). We talked about whether or not I could visualize myself crawling around on the floor. I could. If I could crawl over to the chair Nydia was sitting on. I could. She would pick me up and the empathetic and telepathic messages of you’re loved, wanted and adored would cross between us as we giggled. That bit wasn’t really difficult at all.

Then, Dr. Dragonfly said to put a chair beside Nydia holding me and put my face on the baby. My brain, which was already at a 6 on the cluster scale, went insane. All of a sudden, I was divided into two halves. The left side of my body physically rejected the idea and image completely. The right side, wanted to try to explore the image. Finally, after trying to reconcile the image, but not being able to, out came a huge, very pissed off black cat with his ears back, tail all squirreled out, hair standing up on his spine, glowing red eyes, hissing and claws ready to shred anything that came near him right in front of me. That part of the image died. Neither side won. The cat made sure that he protected me from something I was unable to comprehend. He settled down once I was able to view the image as if I were watching a mother holding her baby after he had crawled to her on a movie or TV screen, but it wasn’t me and I wasn’t present in the room. I calmed down and so did the cat. He sat on my lap for a little while and wandered off, but didn’t go very far.

She asked how I felt during that whole process. How did my body feel during that whole process? I told her that my body felt like it was being torn in two. Half of me wanted to explore the Construct, but the other half violently rejected it. That produced anger, stress and frustration after a while until the cat (anger) completely filled the picture and took over all of my senses since I wasn’t able to comprehend what was happening. The cat took over to protect me. Once I saw the Construct as a TV show or movie objectively and not personally, the cat, and I, calmed down.

I am calm now and so is the cat. I know I have a protector and I know what he looks like. I also know I can calm him down if I acknowledge him and thank him for doing his job, However, I stall cannot make the leap from the image on a screen to being beside the Construct and putting my face on the baby Nydia is holding. It’s to big of a leap for me right now.

I’m sure I’ll be writing more about this as the week progresses.