Brian came in for the long weekend. I was, of course, really happy to see him. I was a little nervous bc I had gotten the tat and hadn’t said anything about it to him. He knew I had been thinking about one, but he didn’t actually think that I’d go out and have one done. He liked it and he appreciated the story behind it and what it represented to me. I was very happy. We met good friends out that night in the burbs for sushi. It’s a good place and it’s always fun to get together with Major and Sharenda. When we got home, we started thinking about what to do tomorrow. Our friends, Edward and Joey, texted us and told us they they’d be in Vegas tomorrow afternoon and they we should meet them there. Beautiful, we though. It’s a four hour drive, no big deal. (Especially for me, since I don’t drive.)
Saturday morning, I’m feeling fine, 3-4, and into the car we go. Great shots. Beautiful scenery. Brian learned that the desert isn’t deserted. We went through a forest of Joshua trees. That was kinda creepy, but beautiful at the same time.
We got to Vegas, check in and quickly heard from Ed and Joey. I had never seen downtown Vegas, so I wanted to stay around the Plaza and Freemont street. They, however, insisted that we go to Sam’s Town and meet them. They didn’t have a car and didn’t want to take a taxi. We saw them and I gave both a big hug and kiss bc I hadn’t seen them since I left for Phoenix. Ed was happy to see me. Joey, who knows. We played a few games and had a few drinks and then Brian and I went off for dinner. My headache had been steadily climbing since arriving in Vegas, but I though the drugs would hold it constant. I forgot to take anything with me to Sam’s Town and that was dumb on my part.
After dinner, they invited us up to see their suite. My cluster had gone full blown by this time and everyone knew it. I couldn’t even open my right eye. They made me a vodka whatever and I drank it. Then it was off to the Cannery for more smoke, lights and booze (luckily I was on a winning streak with the Wonder Woman slot game, so that distracted me.) Finally, it was off to the Boulder. We weren’t there 20 before I had to leave. Of course Joey wanted to stay longer, but since we took them, they had to come with us.
We took them back to Sam’s Town. Boo hoo hoo, I hope you feel better. Bye, and they were off. I didn’t care. I wanted meds. Brian and I got back to the hotel and he helped me back to the room. He protects me when I’m that bad. I grabbed the Norflex and shot it. I took my night meds and an extra tranq and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t fall asleep until around 2:30 and woke up around 8:30.
We met Ed and Joey at Sam’s Club again for brunch. It was nice. The place has decent food. The waitress is very nice to us because we’ve been there before and she remembers us. The champagne flowed all through out brunch. Something still wasn’t right. I woke up better, but the level of the headache was still a five or higher. It didn’t take long and Bam! I looked at Brian and asked him if it was 10:3ish. It was. Edward asked me a question and I said yes. It’s the 10:30 express. I need some red bull to try to stop it. Joey of course lectured me that they couldn’t come on a schedule like that and that red bull wouldn’t do anything. Brian just looked at him. We couldn’t get any from the waitress, so I waited another 1/2 until we left the dining room. Brian took me straight to the Gold Fish games bc the music tends to calm me down. He gave me the red bull and someone lit up right beside me. That ended gold fish.
I had to get out of the lights and sounds and smoke and everything, so I led Brian to the inner courtyard. I tried sitting down, but I couldn’t do that either. The pain was quickly passing to 8-9. I don’t know how many times I staggered around the outside track of that stupid thing. I know a second failed red bull attempt was tried, but this time, I had my meds and took a thorazine and a xanax with champagne.
Brian instinctively knew that we had to go. He asked and my face told him everything he needed to know. I apologized, but he told me not to. There wasn’t anything anyone could do about it. He understands.
We didn’t know exactly where Ed and Joey had gotten off to. I knew that they had gone to talk with one of Ed’s cousins who works in the Casino. They had also gone to show someone else their room. They were also talking about going to the pool. Once they finally showed up, Joey told Brian just to sit me at Wonder Woman and let me play. They had something they needed to show him. Brian did, but he didn’t go far. I was so confused during that period that I lost all of the money I had won the night before. He came back with ‘I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but I have to get you back to Phoenix.’ They came back and we said goodbye to an ‘aw shucks, I hope you feel better.’ (Yeah me too, now get my fat ass to the car.)
I hate the fact that the clusters sent me packing. I hate the fact that the clusters once again changed Brian and my plan for the weekend. I hate that it does things like that, but I can’t control it. What I loathe more is fake concern or sincerity. Joey tell me that you think this whole thing is faked and I’m doing it for attention. Tell me that cluster headaches don’t exist. Tell me that it’s all in my mind and that if I’d go to a social worker like you I’d be cured. Tell me that. You’ve seen me in one of the most violent attacks I’ve ever had. You had no fucking clue what to do with me. You weren’t even smart enough to have Michelle call 911 just in case I was having a stroke or something. It was obvious that I was in distress and in physical pain beyond what you can imagine. Please, don’t ask me about my battle scar. You, as well as everyone who knows me, knows that the last thing I would ever do is get a tattoo. Don’t ask the story behind it, how it is and/or what it represents. Don’t ask why I chose this specific image of the thousands that exist. You are white trash masquerading as someone who is trying to be educated. It won’t take long before you either burn out or self destruct. I will not help you put the pieces together, but I will happily watch.
Edward. Fuck you. This time, really. Fuck you! We’ve helped each other through some really big crises and it hasn’t always been fun over the years. The whole going to prison thing and me not really finding out the truth about how much you really did know until the end, well, that was a little more than I bargained for. I visited you twice in prison in the middle of nowhere in South Dakota. Once, we even brought your mother, RIP. Your mother drove me insane with her OCD and inappropriate questions. We live in the same fucking city and I’ve been inpatient 15 times since 2007 and you’ve not visited me once, Once! I know you don’t like hospitals. I don’t like prisons, but I visited you. Francis even came from PR and NYC to visit me, but you haven’t visited once. It’s not even real hospital. We walk around in mostly PJs or exercise clothes with IV poles connected to us, but we’re free to go where we want on the floor if we’re able to. I understand that Christman was a kinda wedge between us. I knew he would be. I didn’t so much want to take him in because I liked him. I took him in bc you broke our steam cleaner over his head. One of the two of you would’ve been in jail for homicide had you stayed in the same house. I was thrilled when he moved back to Ohio.
Francis. My precious Francis. Yeah, you probably get it now. Francis is the best friend I have. You actually made that happen. You left him with a steaming pile of shit before you went away that had nothing to do with him. You knew you were going away and didn’t do what you needed to. You left it all up to him. Francis did the best he could and it wasn’t good enough for you or your mom. No, I gave the fucking violin to Pat because it would’ve rotted in the basement. Francis didn’t even know that violin was there and who the fuck would want a box of whigs?
Yes. Francis stole money from you. Yes, Francis stole drugs from you. Yes, Francis blah, blah, blah. How many things did he do for you that he didn’t have to? Paint the condo so it could be sold? Return the kegs from the party? Repaint the hole where you had the party? That was all your responsibility. I wouldn’t have done any of it.
He knew my best friend in the world was in prison. He consoled me. He listed to my pointless stories from school with interest, whether he wanted to or not, Yeah, he continued to steal money and drugs, until I put a stop to a certain drug he was stealing. Eventually, he did realize he had a problem and turned to NA/AA. He’s clean now. It’s hard for him, but he’s clean. I’m proud of him. He’s turned his life around. You’re stuck on $500, some drugs and a box of whigs. He’s getting a BA and will be done in a year or so. Joey, although, laughs it off because no one’s as important as he is and Francis could only counsel kids. I told him that Francis does, the ones with one foot in jail and the other barely in school. Your hubby shut up. You need to shut up about him too and let him atone like he has for everyone else.
I’m ecstatic that after so many years you’ve got your life back online. You stayed at our house for two of those years as we helped you from halfway house to home. You do things like that for friends. I guess I’m just frustrated because once Joey walked into your life, the rest of your friends have been kind of pushed out. That might be something for you to consider.
I wasn’t happy with your reaction to my cluster either. You were at ‘Chicks too. You know even more than Joey what they do. You’ve seen them over a longer period of time. I guess it’s easier not to deal with anything you don’t want or have to deal with other than to say uh oh or oopsie.
Unfortunately, for me now, it Muere, Muere Las Vegas and possibly keeping both of you at an arms length.
cazandoconejos 